policywanker

END OF WORLD ALERT! Time Traveling Palin Meets Present Day Self

2009-11-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

AP - Houston

NASA scientists have confirmed the possible dangers in an End of World Scenario that transpired yesterday. As every Sci-Fi scholar knows, when a time traveler comes face-to-face with him or herself in the past, present or future, a tear in the Time/Space Continuum occurs, wreaking possible mayhem and havoc on the generations to come.

An event of this magnitude was noted yesterday at the Ft. Hood Army PX booksigning of GOING ROGUE, where former vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin was confronted by an angry Sarah Palin from the future. Harsh words were spoken before military police intervened and removed Future Sarah Palin from the premises. She appeared highly agitated and shouted loudly as she left.

Connie Watkins, a Ft. Hood floral designer, was standing in line as the incident occurred and overheard the altercation. "That future Palin lady was all kinds of riled up. She was saying stuff like, 'Stop before it's too late", "I'm begging you' and 'You will destroy America!'. It was all freaky-like. I had goose bumps, let me tell you."

When asked to comment on the confrontation, Gov. Palin merely shrugged and smiled, saying, "Gosh, you think she looked like me? She was real pretty, so I'll take that as a compliment."

Levi Johnston Re-enacts Famous Shower Scenes from PSYCHO and OZ

2009-11-21T15:24:00.000-08:00

PSYCHO
OZ

Johnston's Johnson - How much would you pay to look at it?

2009-11-21T10:02:00.000-08:00

AP - New York

After months of hyperbolic media speculation over how much meat Levi Johnston packs in his Levi jeans, Playgirl.com has released its first few images of the teen-aged Lolito in coy poses of seduction. But disappointing pedophiles and horny 'tween girls everywhere, the photographs show little more than you'd see at the beach.

The young Alaskan hustler does exhibit a remarkable sense of sexual savvy in what he calls his "Rear Entry" pose. He explained the image at a recent Press Conference at Playgirl's New York office, "What I'm saying in this shot is - you better be lubed-up good or I will punch your fucking lights out."

Playgirl spokesperson Mandy Tate recommended viewers to the pay-per-peek section of their website, where "more of the Alaskan heart-throb is offered, you know, in the skin department, if you get my meaning."

Johnston is quickly learning the tricky maneuvers of a media fame-whore. He dodged questions about his mother's three-year sentence for dealing Oxycontin by saying, "Look, I can touch my tongue to the tip of my nose... ladies..."

But when asked for his take on almost-mother-in-law Sarah Palin's book tour, he was more circumspect, "She's a cunt."

Ghost of Dead Oscar Mayer Crashes Weinermobile

2009-07-18T10:34:00.001-07:00

AP - Racine

Wiener mogul Oscar Mayer died recently at the age of 95. And apparently, he's not happy about it. Strange occurrences have been reported around the wiener factory and now, the famous Wienermobile.

Yesterday, Sally Blodsky, who drives the trademarked hot dog vehicle, lost control of it mid-turn and crashed into the Racine home of Nick Krupp. "I heard this old man's voice," Blodsky told police on the scene. "He was just screaming at me, you know, bossing me...'Turn here! Turn there! You're going too fast!' ...like some damn backseat driver. I just lost it!"

In the Oscar Mayer plant, workers claim to have seen a ghostlike figure hovering over the rendering vats. "It's the old man, all right," said longtime fat renderer Willie Sandinski. "He was a real S.O.B. always chewing my ass for nuthin'. Now he's dead, so screw him. I think they put him in the grinder."

"Where's the body?" shouted casings technician Tina Wiesnewsky over the roar of the sausage stuffer, " That's what I want to know. The old man lived for this company. I heard it's in his will somewheres - Put me in the meat, he says... that's what I heard, anyways."

No injuries were reported in the Wienermobile mishap. But police investigators are unable to explain the strange voices heard by the driver. Wisconsin Sheriff Deputy Danny Nodnick thinks there could be more to the story. "This may not be a simple case of dog bites house."

Pope Breaks Wrist in Masturbation Mishap

2009-07-17T08:37:00.000-07:00

AP - Vatican City

Anonymous sources in the Catholic Church hierarchy are reporting the supposed "fall" that resulted in the pontiff's broken wrist was in actuality a moment of self-pleasure gone wrong.

Reigning Pope and Nazi Mastermind, Benedict XVI, was taken to hospital yesterday suffering from pains in his right wrist. Official reports claimed the Holy Voice of Christ on Earth took a fall in his apartment and that the injury was not serious.

But conflicting stories have emerged that point to Pope Ben's predilection for jacking off and osteoporosis as the real reasons for the broken wrist. "He's not as young as he thinks he is." the anonymous source went on, "Il Papa must take special care of his bones and his boners."

Senator Smalley is Good Enough and Smart Enough

2009-07-01T07:58:00.000-07:00

...and doggone it, the Minnesota Supreme Court likes him.

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX: Senate Edition

With that, the Democrats achieve their three decade goal of a filibuster-proof margin to fuck up the Republicans.

Let's see how long it takes them to really screw the pooch. As nothing messes with small minds like absolute power.

Take, for example, the proposed revamping of our national Health Care system. With drug and insurance money pouring into every congressional orifice, how long will it take for Dems to swoon under the pressure and "just so happen" to listen to their concerned constituents back home and call for the preservation of personal choice. Personal choice, these are the buzz words of the current rash of commercials hitting the airwaves to scare the gray hairs into calling Washington to plead for no change in the rape and pillage policies of corporate controlled health care.

The ads paint a soviet picture of faceless physicians clueless to our ills and prescription needs. "My doctor" will be lost from our lexicon as we are poked and prodded by anonymous hacks who don't know "where it hurts".

Policywanker points out to these stupid suckers that "where it hurts" is in their slowly shrinking net worth. While co-incidentally, industry analysts have just reaffirmed the Financial Strength Rating (FSR) of health care giant Regence Blue Shield (Full Disclosure: These fuckers are Policywanker's insurers and have just increased his premium, again.) as Excellent. Congratulations Regence.

Which brings Policywanker back to our newest senator.

Al Franken is a funny guy. Not the funniest. But funny enough.

He believes in Universal Health Care, the single-payer kind. Let's see how firmly he stands on this position, withstanding the pressures to amend it to continue clipping the middle-class to foot the bill for poorer citizens.

And then, we'll see who's laughing.

Cry For Me Argentina - Sanford's Swan Song

2009-06-25T08:17:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

"There's a certain irony to this."

And with that, South Carolina Gov. Mark Sanford receives Policywanker's coveted NO SHIT, SHERLOCK AWARD for Political Excellence.

Standing at the podium to deliver to South Carolinians what some would call a Press Conference, but Policywanker deems a painfully self-absorbed act of auto-erotic flagellation, the cracker governor careened widely between all-too-human love machine ("that whole sparking thing") and devoted public servant ("the fiduciary responsibilities I have to the people of South Carolina"). He stretched the credulity of the gathered press (some could be seen snickering at times) with tales of his Christian dedication to God's Law and something called the C Street Bible Group - a lobbying organization for Jesus, we presume.

Now, keep in mind the local reporters have already consumed the best of his torrid emails, published recently and confirmed by his office to be legit. So his Hot Argentine Maria's "magnificent gentle kisses", seductive "tan lines" and "erotic beauty" speak louder to the governor's kink for the Horizontal Mambo than his determination to keep his hands on the wheel of his sinking Ship of State.

An eight-year email tease went on between these two Married-With-Children adults-cum-adulterers. But is it our place to judge them? Well no, that is for them and their Gods to sort out. BUT - our place is to bask in the absolute theater of it all, when once again, a sanctimonious sumbitch politician who opposes Gay Marriage and adoption because it tarnishes the sanctity of Marriage, gets caught with his cock in the cookie jar, leading to a tearful public apology... divorce... broken families... children in therapy... and yard sales.

And the clincher, to hide his horn-dog mission to Buenos Aires, he cooks up a fabulous fable of "hiking the Appalachian Trail" - now certain to be added to the Southern lexicon as a euphemism for getting your freak on.

Policywanker salutes the good governor from South Carolina with this award - and for his filling the vacant spot on a slow news cycle.

And gives extra credit to Gov. Sanford for scheduling his fun, foreign fuckfest on Father's Day weekend. Real classy.

PETA vs. Pike Place Market Fish Throwers

2009-06-22T09:19:00.000-07:00

AP - Seattle

In a move certain to lose them street cred - particularly Pike Street - PETA (People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals) has come out swinging, issuing a strongly worded statement warning Seattle's famous fishmongers to "Handle With Care" their goods.

The beloved and fragrant merchants of the Pike Place Market are renowned to locals and tourists alike for their skillful and entertaining "fish toss", wherein one guy sends product soaring through the air to another, all the while shouting the customer's name and fish order.

But PETA has had enough of the hijinks, claiming the practice was distasteful and disrespectful to the fish with "their corpses used as toys".

Planning a protest during the upcoming convention of The American Veterinary Medical Association, PETA members are plotting to "take names and photos of the visiting vets who attend the Pike Market fish toss, bringing the protest back to their hometowns".

PETA president Ingrid Newkirk expressed her concern for the fish saying, "What if it was kittens? Would they throw dead kittens like that? I think not!"

And an unofficial spokesman for Pike Place Fish, employee Swen Amundsen, voiced a philosophical reply, "I tell you what... I'd toss a dead Ingrid Newkirk for twenty-nine ninety-nine a pound. It's Copper River Salmon season, man."

Gays With Guns, a Love Story - Part Two

2009-06-09T11:14:00.000-07:00

AP - Washington DC

In a fantastical move to ram through legislation that allows interstate transport of concealed weapons, NRA lobbyists have hopped into bed with Gay rights activists. Senate Republicans are attempting to add a rider to the proposed anti-hate crimes legislation designed to protect homosexual citizens from gay-bashing.

According to an anonymous Senate aide, adding expanded gun toting rights to the Matthew Shepard Hate Crimes Prevention Act makes sense because "those gay guys need guns to protect themselves from the... ummm... the other guys with guns."

The controversial rider has found support by at least two gay organizations, GOProud and Pink Pistols.

"Armed Gays Don't Get Bashed" reads the online slogan for Pink Pistols (www.pinkpistols.org). Spokesperson for the group, Gwen Patton adds, "Armed Gays also get better restaurant service and cuts in the grocery store line. It's really just a matter of self-preservation."

Critics of the legislation argue it only makes our violent society more violent. Misty Prager, of the organization Peace Through Peaceful Non-Angry Peaceful Actions, fears the worst for Hetero-Homo relations if laws like this are passed. "Picture this... Gunfight at the OK Disco... I rest my case. God loves you."

Whether or not NRA lobbyists are successful in their efforts to tag the rider onto the bill, GOProud executive director Jimmy LaSilva predicts a new era in Gay resistance to violent homophobia. Patting a suspicious bulge under his jacket he grinned, while issuing the challenge, "Go ahead, call me a skinny fag... a I double-dog dare ya!"

Gays With Guns, a Love Story

2009-06-08T09:34:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

With Gallup polling the average American's desire to see some hot man-on-man action in the military at an all-time high of 69% (insert snicker here), Gays, and those who love them, were perplexed by the Supreme Court's statement to "Talk to the hand." in their refusal to hear an appeal by former Army Capt. James Pietrangelo, dismissed under the Pentagon's infamous "don't ask, don't tell" policy.

Damn, that was a long sentence.

So, what we got here is a tricky presidential ploy to pull a switcheroo, according to Kevin Nix, the Servicemembers Legal Defense Network spokesman. He claims the Obama administration wants the ruling away from the courts so they can stick a presidential order up the arses of the Pentagon Brass.

Others claim that the president is a pussy who doesn't want to look all Clintony in his first days in office, what with the arduous tasks already on his plate, like saving the US economy, restructuring Health Care, undoing Bush's legal damages to the environment and our global prestige while keeping us safe from terrorists.

Critics point to the dismissal of First Lieutenant Dan Choi, who publicly came out on the Rachel Maddow Show (she has that effect on men), as evidence that the president was willing to undermine national security (Choi is a skilled Arabic translator) to prove his manhood by punching the sissy.

Only time will tell (cuz the Air Force Lezzies are clamming up), whether President Obama will stick to his guns and keep his campaign promise to end DADT. So far, he has shown an unwillingness to bend over.

Obama Meets With Saudi Grand Wazir of All the World

2009-06-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

AP - The Magical Kingdom of Ali Baba

Eschewing the presidential custom of donning the traditional attire of his foreign hosts, Barack Obama wore a stylish two-piece charcoal Armani suit when meeting with the Saudi Chieftain, Paul Abdul al-Toona Bin There Dun That.

The two world leaders posed for photographs at the king's bizarrely furnished ranch outside Riyadh. Sitting comfortably in custom upholstered chairs from Sears, the president was perplexed by the life-size portrait of the king towering above them.

"That is me!" King Abdul proudly exclaimed, "I worked as a Hollywood extra in the old silent movie days. It was great times. I met so many great movie stars. Really great."

At which the president inquired, "You don't look that old."

Flattered, the king smiled and confessed, "This black beard and mustache... shoe polish! Really! It's great, eh? No one can tell!"

President Obama continues his fantastical foreign tour with stops in Cairo to meet the mummy of Pharaoh Ramses the Third and on to France where he will place flowers at the Tomb of the Unknown Mime.

Bill Clinton is A Whore

2009-05-31T10:05:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

Really? $2500 a ticket?

And people paid it...? Canadians are idiots.

So, what did they get in Toronto at sadly, the first of many Bush(=Dog) and Clinton(=Pony) Shows? Two pricey pieces of old ass complimenting each other's presidential prowess and dick size.

Calling him "brother", Bush high-fived Clinton and joked about how they "used to believe in free speech". Get it? Now, they're paid.

The 6000 suckers, eh, Canadians... were disappointed by the lack of venom, or intelligence, displayed by the two exes. Instead, the audience was treated to a pussy-footed love fest, while over a hundred protesters logged their disapproval on the streets outside.

The onstage conversation can best be summarized by the following likely exchange backstage...

Clinton: You da man!

Bush: No, buddy, you are!

Clinton: No, you are!

Bush: You! You are the MAN!

...and so on.

Bill Clinton proved himself, once again, to be the self-serving attention-starved douchebag we have all come to understand and ignore.

Will no one rid us of these troublesome priests?

The Faces of Torture

2009-05-18T12:25:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

As the media chews on and spits out a steady stream of whodunnits and whyfors on the issue of "Did we? - or Didn't we?", how long are we going to digest, without barfing, the truth of our own national culpability?

Like the legend of The Good German, the one who said "Nein" to the Easy-Bake Ovens, The Good American is being paged. Please stand up, Sir or Madam, and tell us how you feel. Please, look to the dock and point out the perpetrator of this vile act.

The image Policywanker finds most disturbing from Abu Ghraib is not the hooded man awaiting electrocution, or the naked pig pile of excrement spotted prisoners, or even the dog attacks... it is the woman above, flashing an All-American Pepsi-Cola smile, happy to be pretty, young and in power - while a man in her care has just been murdered.

Who must answer for this? All of us.

Miss California Provides Trump Lip Service

2009-05-14T10:30:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

OK, first let me ask a dumb question: Does this woman really deserve our attention?

She ran for Miss American Tits and Ass - and lost. That's all that happened. Really. No one cares about her opinion on Africa, or Health Care or Lesbian Love... well, Donald Trump may feel otherwise.

But as the California Supreme Court teeters on the brink of reinstalling the transmission in the Gay Marriage bus, Miss California, always the bridesmaid, pitches her Revival Tent of Bigotry on the courthouse lawn and Trump calls a press conference. The content of Miss CA's speech (youtube it for a laugh) is breathtaking in it's self-serving "Victimized Champion" approach.

She imagines herself in the center of a "media firestorm" and she, the breast-augmented lone lamb of God against the wolves of Gaydom. "God Hates Fags... No offense."

She goes on to sincerely deliver a selection of random bumper sticker cliches from Support Our Troops to God Bless America with equal simpering. "My blouse blew open", explains away her boob pics on the internet, because she, after all, is a Christian Miss, and never ever would she sell herself cheaply for monetary gain. Up the ante and it's a different matter.

I hope she enjoys her brief moment in the ring, duking it out like a punch-drunk modern-day Anita Bryant, but I would add one thing to her line of reasoning - God Also Hates Bigoted Lying Sluts... No offense.

Swine Flu Patient Zero Identified

2009-05-01T10:11:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

As the World Media works round the clock to insure that everyone is terrified to be in public without hand sanitizer, CDC investigative scientists have identified Patient Zero in the heralded Swine Flu epidemic.

Two year-old Johnnie Peabody appears to be the culprit after Frenching a Mexican puerco in Chihuahua last February. Johnnie is fine now after a medical regimen of Chicken soup and crackers.

Last year, over 36,000 people died from complications of "Regular Old Flu". Up from previous years, but certainly not Front Page headline-worthy news.

So, instead of the hysteria (e.g. the healthy and gorgeous Mexican Soccer Team was forced to wear surgical masks as they made their way through Chicago's O'Hare airport for fear of... fear, I guess) can we all please take a collective uncovered breath of sanity?

Jeez-oh-Pete!

Maybe we could focus on Universal Health Care as a weapon against pandemics, instead of Home Depot paint masks...?

Swine Flu Hits Congress - Waxman Shows Symptoms

2009-04-28T10:49:00.000-07:00

Policywanker Editorial

SWINE FLU = PIGS FLY

If we are to believe the hysteria as reported on the nightly news - we all better heavily dowse ourselves with anti-bacterial hand soap and scrub for 20 seconds.

Even President Obama was subjected to a "Symptoms Watch" News Alert... you know, just in case. After all, he was in Mexico and ate the taco salad.

In this slow news cycle atmosphere, who doesn't love a good Pandemic Scare? After all, the Republicans nixed Pandemic Preparedness Budget money, in favor of... I don't know, let's say Tax Reduction.

But let's take a little look back in time, to the last Swine Flu Pandemic Scare. In February of 1976, Secretary of Health, Education and Welfare F. David Matthews, issued a prediction that a Swine Flu outbreak had come to our shores and would kill at least a million people.

Didn't happen.

What did happen was... then-president Ford got to look all presidenty and ready for re-election. He hosted a White House press conference with Jonas Salk, of heroic vaccine fame, to give street cred to the scare. Congress was muscled into relieving Big Drug companies from liability if the fast track Flu Vaccines did bad things instead of good. Lots of money went to Big Drug to save us.

So, bad things did happen. This Little Piggy got roast beef. And people died after receiving the vaccine.

And the Swine flew... went away. Replaced in prominence by Legionnaire's Disease, a much more exotic sounding and really deadly malady. Ford lost his edge on being an American saviour and went the way of the flu... chills and fever with fluids and plenty of rest.

So what can we learn here, students?

Beware the CAPITOL LETTERS in print and adverts. We are being sold something.

NEW! IMPROVED! SWINE FLU!

Step right up, get your masks here...

Pastor Warren Shows He's Versatile - Likes to Flip-Flop

2009-04-12T09:13:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

After his appearance with a dubious Larry King, where he claimed he never, ever, "never once gave an endorsement" of California's Proposition 8 outlawing gay marriage, Evangelical Pitchman and big, fat liar Rick Warren, has shocked and disappointed his deluded followers and other Christian fanatics.

Bishop Harry "High Horse" Jackson, pastor of Hope Christian Church in Beltsville (really? somewhere in the "Bible Belt" maybe?), after hearing Warren's about-face whined to reporters, "This is a major distraction in this battle for the culture we are experiencing."

Warren cancelled an Easter Sunday appearance with George Stephanopolous at the last minute, claiming, "I wanted to talk to George about fashion trends for Easter cuz he's such a little bunny, but when I heard it was all about the gays and Prop 8... again! I mean girl... get over it... Hel-looo...!"

After the shitstorm from conservative Christians hit the airwaves, Warren retreated to his private estate, Compound W, and issued a statement to the media requesting "personal time to reflect on the arisen Christ at this pretty pink and yellow time of year".

Policywanker weighs in on Warren's flip-flop. I say let's leave the poor guy alone. Here he is reaching out to the gays in the spirit of brotherly Christian love - the least we can do is offer a reach-around in return.

Blame Jack Sparrow for Somali Pirates

2009-04-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

OK, is it me - or does the media get a hard-on every time they print the word "Pirate"?

And we all share in a collective "Aarrrr..." with a grin and a wink. Cuz we're in on it, right?

Pirates are cool. Pirates are outlaws. Pirates are bad, but hot.

But wait a Buccaneering minute here - now we have these Somali pirates. Ugly as fuck peasants with assault weapons. Where's the romance? Where's the mascara? Where's the box office?

It's just not the same swashbuckling romp as we want, cuz where's the sex? Where's Johnny Fucking Depp?

No. The Somali Pirates are merely your run-of-the mill dollar store terrorists. Thugs with boats. So, let's call a spade a spade (insert liberal kneejerk here) and name them what they are - oppressed and impoverished criminals willing to die to get their hands on some of that good pie everyone else seems to have plenty of...

Are they worth global media coverage? Are they lead story material?

Someone get them a reality show... STAT!

New Economic Indicator - Men's Underpants Are Down

2009-04-09T11:35:00.000-07:00

AP - New York

Taking their cue from Alan Greenspan's forecasting techniques - he linked the sales of men's undergarments as a reliable indicator on the health of the economy - financial analysts are warning of dire straits ahead.

A study released this week by Mintel, a global market research company, projects 2009 US sales of men's personal apparel down 2.3 per cent.

Matt Hall, a spokesman for Hanesbrands Inc, claimed that, "Men's basic apparel products have the least fluctuating sales of all. So when we see underwear down, we'll be on our knees in short order."

Obama Pardons Turkey

2009-04-08T09:01:00.000-07:00

AP - Istanbul

While wowing the citizens of Turkey on his recent East-meets-West national tour, President Obama delivered an emotional plea to the Turkish Parliament in Ankara for mutual respect and support.

Earlier in the day, while paying respects at the tomb of the revered Mustafa Ataturk, the revolutionary secularist leader who abolished both the veil and the fez, leading the nation by force into the 20th century, President Obama spoke of the need to reconcile the differences of the past with a strong friendship between our respective nations.

This new note of conciliation strikes a remarkably different chord than former president Bush on his clumsy mission to Istanbul, when he referred to their national hero as "Attaboy" and chuckled.

One odd note from Obama's visit that still perplexes is the on-air reporting by an Istanbul based anchor - who gave his report on the president's speech in "black face".

Who Owns Our Debt... A Shocking List of Lenders

2009-04-02T16:20:00.001-07:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

File Under: Who Screwed The pooch?

Listed below is the GAO breakdown of what we owe and to whom, nation-wise.

It's a mindfuck of numbers (in billions) that amount to why no one wants our economy to fail. They ALL have a dog in this fight.

Note: Third on the list, "Oil Exporters" enjoy a mysterious sobriquet, but be not fooled. Hidden within their anonymity are Venezuela, Iran and Libya. So, who exactly are the bad guys anymore?

China's Stimulus Package - More Sperm Banks and World Domination

2009-04-01T09:30:00.000-07:00

AP - Beijing

In an effort to stockpile massive quantities of Chinese sperm for future world domination, the Chinese government has opened Sperm Banks in every metropolitan city across China. Staff and donors are working around the clock to fulfill Beijing's demand for more Chinese babies.

Sources say the plan includes a "sleeper cell" plot to offer babies for adoption in Western countries and at a pre-arranged moment, to come around 2020, these spies will activate the Chinese strategy to take over the world.

The White House has so far refused to comment on the topic, but conservative radio host and big, fat fuck Rush Limbaugh accuses homosexual American males of being in on the plot. "I mean, come on, look at the Hollywood queers with all those Chinese girl babies..." He proclaimed recently during a broadcast, "It's mighty suspicious. Clearly, they made some kind of pact with the Devil in Beijing. Mark my words, people, the Commie Fags are coming!"

Nazi Pope Meets Pygmy Tribe - Demands Souvenir Boy

2009-03-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

AP - Cameroon

After wowing the faithful in an SRO lunchtime Mass held in a soccer stadium, former Nazi and current deluded "Voice of God", Pope Benedict Arnold, met with a group of Cameroon's Baka tribal members, or "pygmies" as they are affectionately called. He then made his request known for a memento of his visit - the son of Chief Nbundo.

"I like that one." the pontiff exclaimed after looking over the pint-sized delegation.

Chief Nbundo, shrugged after the pope's demand was translated. He then pushed the boy towards the pope's awaiting car.

The vehicle, a specially customized open-seat Chrysler, drew almost as much attention as the pope himself, as the gathered crowd jockeyed close to see the suped-up "Christ-ler", as dubbed by the local media.

The current reigning Queen of Cameroon, Chantal Biya, presented herself to Pope Benedict and was good natured in his refusal of her sexual skills, "If only you like my pussy," she purred, "we have good time, your Holiness."

The pontiff's African Adventure Tour ends with a stop in Angola where he will meet with local leaders to discuss ending government corruption and reducing the high cost of silk organza needed for his garments.

Nazi Pope Hates Condoms "Too restricting to feel my love"

2009-03-19T10:16:00.000-07:00

AP - Cameroon

Pope Benedict Arnold sashayed across Africa looking fabulous this week, bestowing blessings and damning to Hell anyone who crossed him.

Chief among those going to Hell are apparently the condom users, whose flagrant refusal to die from AIDS is a slap in the Holy Pontiff's kisser.

Claiming the Roman Catholic Church was "the forefront in the battle against AIDS" the former Nazi pointed to his preference for pre-pubescent boys as an end to the AIDS crisis. "You're not gonna get nothing from those guys. It's foolproof."

Claiming condom use "increased the problem" because, "No one can feel the love from il papa. It is unnatural and itches afterward."

RNC's Glimmer of Hope - Democrats Die in Greater Numbers

2009-03-14T09:29:00.000-07:00

AP - Washington D.C.

New data compiled by the US Department of Census indicates registered Democrats have a higher mortality rate than Republicans.

"It's only a matter of time," crowed RNC chairman Michael Steele at yesterday's hastily called press conference. "It's a catch-up game and we're in it for the long haul."

According to the data, urban populations show higher numbers of the population dying per capita. And since those populations register in much higher numbers as Democratic voters, the statistics indicate a direct correlation to more dead Democrats.

Reasons for urban death vary, but include homicides, drug and alcohol related incidents, heart attacks and stroke.

Which caused Steele to ponder future political victories, "It's in the numbers, people, we're coming back!"

When asked for comment, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel was unconcerned about the data. "Mike Steele can kiss my hairy ass. I'm from Chicago, we have no problem with dead Democrats voting. It's their right as Americans."

Clive Davis' Dirty Little Secret - He Got Chris Brown Drunk

2009-03-04T15:56:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER SOAPBOX

Somebody's gonna get a beatin'...

Amongst the glittering set that gathers for Clive Davis' annual pre-Grammy bash are often underage celebri-tots. These Platinum-selling players act all grown up when it comes time to par-tay - but wait... it's illegal.

Take for example, Rihanna and Chris Brown. Who in their right would beat on a face like Rihanna's? No one... in their right mind.

But a liquored-up 19 year-old pop star like Brown...? He be swinging while singing "Smack dat bitch" without fear of consequence.

So, who's to blame - Rihanna? Reports of her diva-like temper and jealousy are supposed make it all right to wallop on her. Yes, she's a spoiled brat zillionairess. And yes, she probably pissed of her boyfriend by throwing his cell phone out the rented Lamborghini's window. But gentlemen, we DO NOT beat on our womenfolk. Re-read your manuals.

Blame Chris? Well, yes, but he's also a spoiled byproduct of the music celebrity fame game. Name your stereotype here and it will fit. Start with the rented Lamborghini.

I say, have Deputy Fife pay a visit to Clive Davis' house on a party night. Underage drinking is illegal. But serving liquor to teens is a jail time offense.

Tanzanian Albino Killers - Not a Rock Group

2009-03-02T11:27:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

Just when we thought it was safe to parade our lily White American asses around exotic African places like Tanzania, here come the crazed Albino Killers, a mysterious group of money-hungry murderers who are killing the Albinos of Tanzania. How many Albinos are in Tanzania, you may ask? Apparently, 45 less than there used to be.

Authorities are asking for leads in the murders and dismemberment of the Albinos - whose hair, genitals, teeth and other body parts are prized by Witch Doctors. Once added to an elixir, Albino magic brings you wealth and prosperity if you drink it, so says the Witch Doctor brochure.

Which brings Policywanker to the...

Important Question of the Day:

What in the Holy Fuck is wrong with these people?

Now, to track down these men, because we know damn sure that this is a "man thing", Tanzanian police are asking citizens to come forward and "write down the names of suspected Albino Killers" and the squealers will be kept anonymous. This might sound good at first blush, but Policywanker (if he was an Albino Killer) would be the first in line, writing everyone else's name on that damn paper.

According to recent news reports, a "pastor" was arrested for having Albino body parts in his home. Policywanker finds this information lacking in important details - a pastor? from what church? which Albino body parts?

With over 200 arrests and no convictions, so far - Policywanker issues the following advice to all Tanzanian Albinos: Get the fuck out of Tanzania!

GOP's Great Brown Hope Bobby Jindal is an Exorcist

2009-03-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER BOOK CLUB

Welcome Readers, to this week's selection - a passage from Bobby Jindal's 1994 tome entitled: "Beating a Demon: Physical Dimensions of Spiritual Warfare"

In it, we learn about Susan who is battling skin cancer. She seems to smell of sulfur and is acting in erratic ways. So, she pays a visit to Bobby's "prayer group".

Enjoy:

So, remembering Sarah Palin's Wasilla Witch Hunter, a 2012 Jindal/Palin ticket would be a fucking laugh riot... or the end of America as we know it.

"I have a wet dream..." - 13 Year-Old Wows CPAC with Emotional Speach

2009-02-28T09:01:00.000-08:00

And a child shall lead them... them, being the RNC

AP - Washington D.C.

Speaking to a desperate crowd of whinging Republicans at Friday's CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts) meeting in the nation's capitol, 13 year-old Jonathan Krohn did not disappoint those gathered to hear political platitudes from the mouths of babes.

"Conservatism is not about the party," Krohn explained, "...cuz it's more like the soft, chewy filling inside the crusty old hardened shell of Republicanism."

The pundit without pubic hair went on to outline the four principles of Conservatism to an enraptured audience, "First, respect for the Constitution - except when it's drag. Next, respect for life - except when invading a brown country. Then, less government, except when lobbying for money. And finally personal responsibility, especially those poor people."

Krohn closed his delivery with a joke about Michelle Obama's watermelons and left as the crowd stood and cheered. He remained in the lobby for more than two hours signing copies of his book, Define Conservatism.

Bolton's Stand-Up Bomb - Suggests Nuking Chicago

2009-02-27T08:57:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

Appearing in a Thursday meeting of the righteous Republican wingnuts of CPAC (Conservative Pricks and Cunts), mustachioed maniac and somehow former UN Ambassador John Bolton proposed the destruction of Chicago as a suitable lesson to educate President Obama in foreign policy.

Bolton, who refused military service for fear of dying in Viet Nam, had the audience in guffaws when he impishly suggested it would take the bombing of an American city, "pick one at random - Chicago" to put the US back on track as an international force to be feared. "Ya gotta beat on these brown people, show 'em who's boss. Otherwise they'll screw ya."

He went on to cajole President Obama for being soft on military goals in Iraq. "That guy is a total pussy who makes me want to puke."

CPAC members are a coalition of politicians and Evil Masterminds dedicated to world domination through military might. Their website promotes US Foreign policy as "the primary means of responsible world governance to show that we're no fags".

Forget the Chimp - Mayor Sends Obama Watermelon Joke Email

2009-02-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

In an apparent attempt at side-splitting racial humor, Los Alamitos Mayor Dan Grose sent out an email depicting the White House lawn festooned with watermelons, with the caption: "No Easter Egg hunt this year".

He's one fucking hilarious future ex-mayor, considering he sent it to local businesswoman Keyanus Price, a black woman. She was not amused. As she explained to the Associated Press, "As a black person receiving something like this from the city-freakin'-mayor - come on!"

Policywanker concurs.

Grose admits sending the email, but claims he didn't know black people ate watermelons. Or that it was a stereotypical joke - OK, so... why did he send it? Cuz he's an effing liar, too, besides a bigot... and a soon-to-be-replaced mayor.

Buh-bye.

Chimp Controversy Alert! Obama is NOT the Prophet Mohammed

2009-02-19T19:49:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

In an effort to bring sanity to a situation made ridiculous by the shenanigans of the Rev. Al Sharpton in his never-ending battle to stay in the news, Policywanker wades into the morass of the NY Post's Chimp Stimulus Cartoon Fracas with expert advice to all those incensed by the crass racial stereotyping evident in the insensitive cartoon - "Get a fucking grip!"

First, the cartoon takes a potshot at the stimulus package - NOT the physical hotness of our studly Commander in Chief.

Second, President Obama is not the Prophet Mohammed who must remain unrepresented and uncharacterized in blasphemous printed image or heads must roll.

And third, Al Sharpton is not the anointed effing Ayatollah armed with bloody scimitar and backed by unruly mobs to lop off the heads of those infidels so sinful as to besmirch the power and grace of our president with chimpish desecrations.

GOOGLE "Bush chimp" and you will find over a million references to our previous president for chimplike appearances and behaviors. Was it racially motivated? Hell no. Was it hilarious? Hell yes.

The real chimp, lampooned in the NY Post cartoon - the shot dead chimp - high on green tea and Xanax, is the real loser and forgotten victim in this dumbshow. Trained to be special, then treated like a retarded Victorian child and shot dead for acting like an animal. He's the one who deserves a protest march or two. Where is outrage, people?

Dare Policywanker repeat himself? "Get a fucking grip!"

Businessman Works to Improve Muslim Image - Beheads Wife

2009-02-14T09:21:00.001-08:00

AP - Buffalo

A prominent New York businessman, who founded the BridgesTV network to present a peaceful understanding between Islam and the world and eradicate the American image of violent Muslims, has been arrested for beheading his wife at his company's Buffalo headquarters.

Muzzammil Hassan has been charged in the murder and decapitation of his wife, Aasiya Hassan.

Created in the aftermath of September 11, BridgesTV had as its mission the goal to "connect people through understanding - or kill them if necessary".

Mr. Hassan is currently being held without bail. When reached for comment on his actions, he was pragmatic, "She was getting uppity, you know. I've got a job to do and I won't let any woman get in my way of improving the dialogue between Christians and Muslims. Insha'allah."

In Other Effed-Up Baby News - 13 Year-Old Proud Papa

2009-02-13T08:22:00.000-08:00

AP - Sussex, UK

He may look young to the untrained eye, but Alfie Pattan, father of newborn Maisie, is old enough to show the ladies "a good time". As evidenced by his new status as Britain's Youngest Father on Welfare.

"It just sounded like a fun thing to do." He said of his first time sex with slutty 15 year-old Chantelle, mother of his newborn daughter.

All three children will live with Chantelle's alcoholic father, in the Sussex Council Flats (projects) and receive state charity. Meanwhile Alfie's dad, Dennis Steadman, finds his son "just like his 'ol dad, a charmer with the girls." Steadman beamed to reporters, "Alfie's voice may not have changed yet, but he has proven what it means to be a man."

Unsurprisingly, Alfie is not Britain's youngest father on record. That honor goes to 12 year-old Sean Stewart, whose relationship with 15 year-old Emma Webster lasted only 6 months after the birth of their precious bundle of joy.

Octomom Welfare Womb Asks for Your Donations

2009-02-12T10:16:00.001-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

In a breathtaking display of Welfare Fraud and old-fashioned greed, proud mom of 14 children and plastic surgery addict, Nadya Suleman, has her hand out again. This time asking for online donations to help her live out a dream of becoming Angelina Jolie.

She is quoted on her website as saying, "I've got the lips and the kids. MORE kids even. Now Brad will love me. I know it."

Already stiffing California taxpayers with the check for her birthing extravaganza, Miss Suleman shows no remorse in spending $1.3 million in hospital fees of other peoples' money during a national economic meltdown.

Reports indicate she paid for her in vitro fertilization treatments with a $165,000 award from an on-the-job back injury she received during a riot at a mental institution where she worked. Clearly, her back was cured by the weight of carrying eight infants. (Policywanker issues a Workers Comp Fraud Alert - Pay attention, people!)

The American tradition of cashing-in has a new Spokeswhore in Miss Suleman. She has hired a publicist to handle the budding career of her premie spawn. Stay tuned for endorsement deals, Wheaties boxes and Oprah. Not bad for a bitch still receiving Food Stamps.

Cheney Regales Blogger with Predictions of Doom

2009-02-04T08:01:00.000-08:00

AP - McLean, VA

Situated in his new office across the hall from a quick-copy shop in suburban McLean, former puppet master Dick Cheney spins his web of deceit with few listeners.

"I'm writing a damn book," Cheney recently bragged to a lone blogger, there to update his readers on the doings of Dastardly Dick, as he affectionately calls him.

"And Obama better watch out. There's bombs and shit coming our way. You mark my words!"

The former power mad vice-president claims a sixth sense for predicting disasters, both political and environmental. "I knew that Katrina was coming. I told my wife, 'Honey, a big motherfucking hurricane is going to take out most of New Orleans.' She looked worried until I said, "...just the Black parts.' But let me tell you, I knew I was going to shoot my buddy in the face long before I did it. These things just come to me."

Asked for specific dangers ahead for the United States, Cheney was forthcoming. "I see nuclear fuckbombs going off in New York and Los Angeles. And I can't wait for that fucking crisis. Those pansy-assed pussies in Washington will pray for me to come back to lead them again. That's for shit-sure."

POLICYWANKER Demonstrates How to Work the Red Carpet

2009-02-03T20:21:00.000-08:00

Nazi Pope Pisses Off The Jews and the Cowboys

2009-02-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

AP - Vatican City

Outrage was the common denominator in the reactions by Jewish leaders upon hearing the announcement that Pope Benedict Arnold XVI had lifted the excommunications of renegade Bishop Richard Williamson and three other bishops who belong to the Society of Saint Pius X.

The secretive sect was founded by Archbishop Lefebrve in the 1960s as a reaction to the Vatican II reformations. Followers of the cult are known to only speak to each other in an archaic form of Latin.

Bishop Williamson, who goes by the sect name of "Utt-bay Uck-fay", is a renowned Holocaust denier and was quoted as saying, "Jews Schmews. No way did 6 million of them die in gas chambers. Have you been to Florida? There they are! And yes, some did die in the camps. But those were common household accidents... slipping in the shower, falling off roofs, that sort of thing."

Pope Benedict Arnold XVI was unavailable for comment, but a Vatican spokesman said of the controversial reinstatements, "We are reaching out to all Christians during these tumultuous times. His Holiness will be wearing a gown by Dior at the reinstatement ceremonies. And Donna Karan at the reception following. With a sassy red cowboy hat and purse by LaCroix."

Hudson Survivors Angry with Treatment - Would Rather be Dead

2009-01-31T09:57:00.000-08:00

AP - New York

Complaints are now coming in from the survivors of the Miracle on the Hudson, where US Airways flight 1548 hit a flock of geese and was valiantly steered into a water landing, or "ditching" on the Hudson River.

Captain Chesley Sullenburger has been declared a hero for his skills in bringing the plane down without engine power into the frigid waters off Manhattan. No loss of life occurred in the event, which is unprecedented. Passengers were deplaned in an orderly fashion through the exits onto door slides turned rafts, until nearby boats and ferries rescued them without difficulty.

US Airways has issued $5000 checks to the fortunate travelers for lost luggage and instated them as VIP Frequent Flyers for one year.

"Not good enough!" says Janie McKracken, spokesperson for the survivors, "We want money. Lots and lots of money. News interviews don't pay the bills, baby. And an upgrade for a year? Fuck that."

Representatives for the airline refuse to speak publicly about the survivors demands but, an anonymous source who works for US Airways claimed, "Really? They expect to be paid for us saving their asses? You gotta love America."

RNC Gets Their Own Black - But Still Hopelessly UnCool

2009-01-30T15:27:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

In a transparent attempt to grab headlines and future votes, Maryland's Lt. Gov. Michael Steele has been elected to head the tragically retarded GOP.

This pathetic effort to show diversity in the Grand Old White Party stinks with the rancid air of "Me, Too" racism.

When asked to comment on Steele's election, Republican congressman and perpetual crybaby John Boehner crowed, "The Democrats got a Black. Now, we got a Black. So there."

Boehner Complains - Obama's Package "Too Big"

2009-01-28T11:49:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

GOP mouthpiece and tanning addict, Rep. John Boehner took to the airwaves to bitch and moan about the size of President Obama's tool to stimulate the nation.

"It's too big. It's gonna hurt and I mean it." The congressman went on to whine, "Have you got a look at it? Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"

He recommended the GOP plan as an alternative to the pain that Obama's enormous package would incur. "Smaller, definitely."

Blagojevich Switcheroo - His New Senate Pick is Caroline Kennedy

2009-01-27T09:28:00.000-08:00

AP - Chicago

While making the rounds on the national news and talk show circuits to plead his case, sleazy Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich announced to Barbara Walters on the View that his Senate replacement pick for Barack Obama's vacant seat would now be Caroline Kennedy.

When Walters asked why Caroline Kennedy and why now, the governor was typically candid. "Are you kidding me? She's loaded." he explained.

"And Burris got me absolutely nothing. I thought I'd at least get Black points with him - but, nothing... bupkis."

Ms. Walters, magically inserted into the interview by means of a satellite feed, seemed to be addressing Blagojevich from the future. She pressed him on his wiretapped phone calls and made an attempt to get to a deeper level of understanding by probing, "If you could be any kind of tree, what would it be?" He had no answer, dodging yet another inquiry.

The disgraced governor than joined the panel of View vixens and fielded their questions about his switch to Caroline Kennedy as his Senate pick.

Former Star Trek counsellor Guinan, Whoopee Goldberg, led the inquisition by first warming the hot seat, "We, at the View, want to thank you for coming on our show, but tell us Governor, Caroline Kennedy? Really? Are you out of your freakin' mind?"

Blagojevich, cool as a cuke, merely smiled. "Chicks dig me, Whoopee." He then added, "You dig me. I can tell."

The Selling of All Things Obama

2009-01-25T09:38:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

The flood gates of retail crapness have opened. Policywanker has seen the future and it is café au lait colored and it is HUGE!

Moving past the Barack Obama commemorative coins and plates and glassware and condoms (I'm just sayin'), and on to the Malia and Sasha dolls, which by the way look nothing like the First Daughters, and we will see a never-ending shitstorm of Obama gee-gaws and knick-knacks to fill the shelves and dumpsters of many future generations.

Yes, it's an important moment in our nation's development. And yes, those daughters are damn cute and deserving of our adoration - but, People...! You are no closer to the moment by buying shit off the TV with a "likeness" of the new hot cocoa president.

Roberts Gets a Do-over

2009-01-22T11:10:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

Silencing the constitutional Cassandras who claimed the botched Oath of Office illegitimized President Obama's presidency, Chief Justice John "Hey, I'm new at this!" Roberts got another chance to screw it up. This time without the cameras and 2 million citizens watching.

We will never know the full extant of the incompetency displayed in private by Roberts, the Bush appointed gift of idiocy that will keep on giving for decades to come. But suffice it say, what we don't know won't stress us.

Thank God, Almighty!

2009-01-20T11:24:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

No words.

No comments.

No emotion can capture this moment.

Cheney Retires to Pottersville

2009-01-20T11:00:00.001-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

Completing his transformation into the dastardly villain, Mr. Potter, the thankfully former VP Dick Cheney appeared in a wheelchair at the inauguration of President Barack Obama.

When asked on his need for a wheelchair, Cheney barked, "It's my spine, you asshole! It's gone or shriveled up, how the hell do I know?"

Playing for Laughs - Al Franken and the GOP

2009-01-05T09:09:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

After a brutal tally battle, comic Al Franken is going to Washington. Whether or not the Senate Republicans will unlock the chamber doors is another thing. Threats of a filibuster are still making the rounds.

And now, with Roland Burris arriving uninvited with his suitcase in hand and Caroline Kennedy preemptively packing her bags, the final outcome of the Senate races of 2008 is still a nail-biter. Stay tuned for new drama and a possible last-minute switcheroo for the New York seat.

FOX NEWS - Murdoch The Magic Jew

2009-01-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

Can we say it together? "FOX News is a Nazi-schooled, race-baiting, yellow journalistic organization bent on the destruction of intelligent thinking and rational governance."

With the subliminal crawl under their cheery New Year's Eve coverage, FOX News gave voice to the creepy, White trailer-trash underclass that giggles when they hear the word "Negro", cuz it sounds like that other "N" word forbidden to them.

So, "Barack the Magic Negro" becomes their theme song du jour, masked behind the term "coverage" and what is born is a new code for their hateful shenanigans. They can claim that a "viewer's email" went un-vetted straight to the screen. Or "a mistake was made". But they will never be able to claim they deserve a place at the table of competent broadcast journalism.

Say it with me people, "FOX News should be shut-out of the Obama Administration. No seat in the Press Room. No interviews with administration officials. Nada. Zip. Bumpkis."

And to Mr. Murdoch, a warning: Recall the lesson of the crime of the Nazi's lies and propaganda - or be doomed to repeat them.

Prince on Prop 8 "I don't vote" - Prop 8 on Prince "Then, shut the fuck up."

2009-01-01T10:06:00.000-08:00

AP - Los Angeles

Hoping to stem the tide of criticism on his controversial anti-gay comments to the New York Times, ultra-hetero pop singer, Prince, has declared, "I didn't vote for Obama, either." Thinking this superior stance puts him above the fray of worldly debate, the Purple One went on to say his conversion to the Jehovah's Witness faith was "like Morpheus and Neo in The Matrix".

When asked to explain what the fuck he was talking about. Prince stood up and did an interpretive dance while describing the film. "See, it's about these two hot guys, one's White and cute and kinda spooky. The other's a mysterious, but really hot, older Black dude. And they dance all slow-motion and stuff, like they're fighting, see? But they're really just practicing to battle the giant computer thing that controls us all. Get it?"

Prince feels he was maligned by the NY Times about his political views. "We don't vote." the singer claimed, "and by we, I mean me and the Jehovah's Witness people. We don't have crazy parties and wear colorful costumes and prance around on stage... or have birthday parties. Cuz that's where the Devil can get you, you know, like at a birthday party or something."

He claims the NY Times misquoted him, which has upset him terribly. "I have friends who are a gay and we study the Bible together." When asked to explain, Prince unzipped his pants to expose himself, "It's my weenie, but I call it 'my Bible, the Holy of Holies'."

Regarding California's Proposition 8, which struck down the rights of same-sex couples to marry, Prince tapped his "Bible", saying "God came to earth and saw people sticking it wherever and doing it with whatever, and he just cleared it all out. He was like, 'Enough'."

Baby For Sale- Hefty Price Tag for Palin Bastard Pics

2008-12-30T10:14:00.000-08:00

AP - Wasilla

Snapshots of the heralded bastard birth of Tripp Easton Mitchell Johnston come with a price tag. Proud new parents Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston have issued a menu of possible photo ops and the costs involved.

For $300,000 a news outlet purchases the first opportunity to publish an image of the infant with mother. For an additional $100,000, Bristol will nurse the baby. Add another $100,000 and according to the new mother, she will "show some tit".

Prices have increased significantly with the likely indictment of Levi Johnston's mother on illegal drug charges. Levi stated his delight in the turn of events, "Are you kidding? I can buy a whole buncha shit with this cash."

Asked whether he looked forward to fatherhood, Johnston only shrugged, "Wanna see my pecker? It'll cost you."

Obama to Appoint Bruce Vilanch Gay Czar to "Shut them up"

2008-12-29T10:01:00.000-08:00

AP - Honolulu

In a move even the critics call "a stroke of genius", President-elect Obama has indicated he will reach out to Gay and Lesbian Americans through a new cabinet position, with comedian Bruce Vilanch to be appointed as the country's first Secretary of the Queers.

"It's time these people had a direct voice in the administration. Then maybe, you know, they'll get off my back about the whole Rick Warren thing." Mr. Obama went on to express his eager anticipation of cabinet meetings with the rakish comic. "Oh man, Bruce is funny as hell. It's going to be a riot."

The President-elect took time out from his family vacation on the island of Oahu to address the press pool about the ongoing controversy surrounding Pastor Warren's participation in the inauguration. "Did you see Frank Rich's column? He called Warren the de facto pope at my inauguration. Well, let me tell you, Rich is an asshole. If I wanted the pope, I'd have the pope. Now, who wants a shaved ice? I'm buying."

2008-12-25T11:09:00.000-08:00

Is He Gone Yet?

2008-12-24T09:50:00.001-08:00

AP - Washington DC

With all the solemn dignity of Whoopee Cushion, barely President George W. Bush has provided the United States with countless disasters, economic ruin and death by the score. The nations of the world looked upon us with pity, fear and a petit soupcon of schadenfreude.

Will we miss him? Hell no!

Will we prosecute him? Stay tuned, the Ohio election fraud trials are just getting interesting. The "accidental" fiery airplane crash death of Mike Connell, just as he was preparing to go public with his involvement in the Dirty Rove Election Machine Scam of 2004, signals a game-changing maneuver and a desperate one at that.

This could get very interesting.

POLICYWANKER'S Holiday Film Reviews: Gran Torino a Lemon - Seven Pounds a Lightweight - Revolutionary Road a Titanic Mess

2008-12-23T11:09:00.000-08:00

SPOILER ALERT - Do not read this if you hate films where the Protagonist dies.

In Gran Torino, Clint Eastwood plays Dirty Old Harry (or Wally), a crusty gun-toting Korean Conflict vet who lives on a diet of Pabst Blue Ribbon and bigotry. In a performance that is at times Lurch-like, Eastwood growls and groans to exhibit his disapproval. Then, venting spleen like a war bride pushes eggrolls at Christmas, he spews every racist epithet known to man and shocks/delights the movie-going audience by using "those bad words" forbidden to them. Expect tittering when he calls three young African-American men "Spooks".

As the recipient of repeated kindnesses, Wally's hard outer shell eventually cracks open, revealing a soft chewy center. His Scrooge-like turnaround (it is, after all a holiday movie) is completed early in Act Two, providing plenty of time for love to grow between him and his Hmong neighbors, who he must now protect from the Bad Guys, also Hmong immigrants who happen to act like Black urban thugs on TV.

In a final "Make My Day" stand-off with the Bad Guys, Wally's ultimate sacrifice buys him the redemption he seeks and the ancestor worship of the Hmong people for generations to come.

Redemptive self-sacrifice is also the theme of Seven Pounds. Told in a jumpy, "Now, what is happening in this scene?" editing style, Will Smith plays Tim, who plays Ben, an IRS agent who can pretty much go wherever he wants and get all kinds of information on people suffering from maladies and who just happen to desperately need new vital organs. But Tim is very picky with his intended largesse. If you are an undeserving person on his "Naughty or Nice" list (again, it's a holiday film) you won't get a piece of the Act Three pie.

And finally, proving the point that longsuffering has no curative properties, Revolutionary Road reunites the doomed lovers from the Titanic, this time in a sinking ship of a marriage. Kate Winslet's real-life husband Sam Mendes directs her as a manic jittery 50's hausfrau trapped in the burbs, but ready to chuck it all for freedom and another pack of cigs.

If you recall with fondness listening to your parents fight in the kitchen and threaten each other with chef's knives, you will love this film. If not, you will only wish for the coat hanger to come sooner.

Pope Likens Gays to Rainforests... Hot and Sexy Rainforests

2008-12-22T08:24:00.000-08:00

AP - Vatican City

Taking time out from his busy holiday shopping, flamboyantly dressed King of the Catholics and practicing Nazi, Pope Benedict has issued his Christmas message of peace to the College of Cardinals.

"How about those gays!" the pontiff admonished the gathered clergy, "They are like the rainforests, the lungs of the planet, you know... hot, sweaty lungs with their muscles all glistening."

His message, however, seemed to confuse some in the audience. Cardinal Botti of Italy confessed his wonderment, "I think what il Papa is saying is that the sexy men who do the sex are in danger of extinction. We must save them, no?"

The pope's constant attention on gay men and gay sex in his speeches and sermons left others to think he was obsessing. Sister Mary Catherine Gallagher of Dublin, who comes to the Vatican annually for holiday mass, said that the Holy Father "was a bit of a closet case, all the time it's the gays this and the gays that - Jesus, Mary and Joseph - he should just get a grip and come out."

Pastor Rick Warren Confesses "I have eaten gay food."

2008-12-21T08:55:00.000-08:00

AP - Long Beach, CA

Televangelist Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church has shocked his parishioners with explicit details of his cavorting with gays and dabbling in the homosexual lifestyle.

"I have many gay friends," the pastor recently bragged in an interview with BeliefNet, "I have eaten dinner in gay homes, drank many gay cocktails - those pink Cosmos are delish! And girl - let me tell you, I got so tipsy."

The pastor went on to list his many other gay encounters, "I have swum in gay pools. I drive a gay car - a Miata. And look at this Hawaiian print shirt I'm wearing - never been to Hawaii - so Ga-a-ay!"

Asked whether his inclusion in the inauguration day ceremonies was an indication of the President-elect's willingness to include all ideologies in his administration, Pastor Warren was introspective, "I went on a gay cruise once. And I'm considered a Bear in gay parlance. But I like Twinks. I think that makes me open-minded. Just like Barack Obama."

Obama Chooses Ku Klux Clan as Inauguration Day Color Guard

2008-12-19T20:42:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

In an ongoing attempt to show that he can reach out to "all Americans", President-elect Barack Obama has named the South Carolina Chapter of the Imperial Knights of the Ku Klux Clan to serve as Color Guard for the Inauguration Day ceremonies.

Progressive liberal critics were appalled, considering the aftershocks in the gay community regarding the choice of ultra-Right Pastor Rick Warren to deliver the inaugural prayer.

In a statement released by the Obama transition team, the Clan's 'goodness' should not be outweighed by their 'badness'. And the President-elect was quoted as saying, "Clearly, we can learn from the fervent dedication these men show to their cause - but, we do not have to agree with them."

The startling choice of the Clan, notoriously bigoted hate-mongers, only points to Obama's courageous willingness to reach across ideological lines to include differing points of view in his administration.

Imperial Wizard Lem Oattie commended Obama's decision to include his chapter of the Clan in the Washington ceremonies. "Yeah, I wanna see that motherfucker up close, real close, know what I mean?"

White House Issues New "Barefoot" Press Briefing Policy

2008-12-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington D.C.

White House Chief of Staff Josh Bolten has issued a strict "No Shoes" policy when the press addresses any administration official.

Bolten claims that the new regulation has nothing to do with the recent attack on President Bush while touring Iraq over the week-end. "Not at all," he explained to a dubious press corps, "In fact, it's kind of a Hawaii thing, you know, leave your shoes at the door. We see it as a casual, friendly way to close things out during the administration's final days."

Bolten went on to say it was the President's idea, as a way of welcoming president-elect Obama. "After all, he's Hawaiian, or Indonesian, isn't he? They always make you take your damn shoes off. Well, that's what we're doing. Next question."

Iraq Report: Bush Blinks, Then Ducks

2008-12-14T18:05:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER SPECIAL REPORT

AP - Baghdad

The Bush Farewell Tour Bus hit a pothole today as a real Iraqi finally got a chance to show his country's appreciation for US involvement in the ongoing murder and mayhem.

"This is a good-bye kiss, you dog!" shouted Iraqi journalist Muntazir Al Zaidi, an epithet certain to go global in this information age. He then delivered the Arab version of a burning bag of shit on Bush's doorstep - a thrown shoe. Then, to emphasize his sincerity, he threw the other.

Mr. Al Zaidi was quickly wrestled to the ground by security and dragged screaming from the room. But not before earning his place on a platform in the Pantheon of Heroes. And the applause of a grateful world.

Barely President George W. Bush was not harmed in the incident, due to a remarkably good ducking reflex, one that perhaps First Lady Laura has helped him to hone.

There was one injury in the fracas however. Press Aide and lovable liar, Dana Perino, suffered a black eye when a jostled microphone was jammed in her face. Poetic justice? You decide.

Mr. Al Zaidi's fate has not yet been determined.

However, Policywanker would like to take this moment to remove his hat - and say, "Muntazir Al Zaidi - We salute you!"

Enough with the Kissing Already...

2008-12-13T09:14:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

As if he hasn't done enough damage, pathetic alcoholic and tragically still president, George W. Bush is sucking the life out of every American he can get his hands on.

Seen innocently by some as photo-opped exercises in humanity, what lurks beneath the surface is the presidential Kiss of Death with succubus stealth draining the very souls from these unfortunate citizens.

Can no one stop him?

Gov. Blagojevich is Turning Tricks

2008-12-11T17:17:00.001-08:00

AP - Chicago

Never one to pass a nickel in the street, shady operator and Best Coiffed Hair Guy in Politics, Illinois Governor Rod Blagojevich is busy marketing his downfall as it happens.

He has launched a new website to sell his wares and offer pardons and paroles. According to the site, www.blagotheho.com, prison terms for non-violent offenders can be reduced or commuted for $1000. Violent offenders, including rapists and murderers have to pony up $25,000-$50,000.

Also for sale on the site are a wide range of T-shirts and colorful mugs emblazoned with his smiling face and the slogan "Blagojevich Sucks".

"This shit is flying off the shelves." the governor said recently in a wiretapped phone call to his wife. "We're going to Bermuda, Bitch!"

Of special note: Novelty toupees of the governor's famously perfect hair can be purchased for $59.

Senator Buttars of Utah - Another Mormon Who Can't Get Laid

2008-12-10T08:18:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

State Senator and Sick Fuck Mormon, Chris Buttars hates the Gays. He hates them so much that he claims it's "illegal" for high school students to talk about human sexuality in school, lest they become enamored of the good gay life. "In fact, it's criminal." he says.

Seen scowling at a Lesbian giving testimony regarding the value of Gay Straight Alliance Clubs in Utah schools, Buttars claims, "If you read the homosexual rule book, you'll find their greatest target is your kids."

Policywanker wants to know where to get his hands on that rule book. It's got to be scintillating reading. Maybe something like the Book of Mormon, supposedly solid gold tablets that spelled out in Egyptian the way things oughta be - or else. First Prophet Joseph Smith found them in the woods somewhere and "translated" them. Not that anyone ever saw those golden tablets ever again - just take my word for it, they were really, really gold.

It actually is scintillating reading. For instance, the Blacks and the Indians, or "Lamanites" as the BOM calls them, they were cursed by God to be Darkies for their wickedness. (*Policywanker wants to point out that if they go Mormon today, the BOM proclaims they will become "white and delightsome" again. It's so exciting.)

Not that the fruits of change are not present within the leadership of the LDS - even Joseph Fielding Smith, 10th Prophet and President (1901-1918) once bubbled, "Darkies are wonderful people."

But that spirit of wonderfulness has not passed down to some of today's rank and file Mormons. Sen. Buttars recently referred to legislation he didn't like as an ugly baby bill, "This baby is black I'll tell ya, it's a dark, ugly thing."

Nice.

for my wife...

2008-12-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

A new documentary film on Marriage Equality poses the question: What Makes an Activist?

Charlene Strong's story is one of tragedy and triumph as she finds her voice as an activist for LGBT equal rights. You can find out more about this film at: www.formywife.info

It will be featured at the Palm Springs International Film Festival Jan 6-19, 2009. And the Melbourne Queer Film Festival in March, among other festivals.

Bush Receives Small African Boy for Global AIDS Work

2008-12-01T08:33:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington DC

To commemorate World AIDS Day, Pastor Rick Warren of the Saddleback Church is hosting a Civil Forum on Global Health, where he will present President George W. Bush with the "first-ever" International Medal of Peace.

"It's very exciting," claimed Pastor Warren, "and we didn't want it to be just a stupid plaque or trophy. So, my wife said - Honey, let's buy him, you know, a little helper to have around the Crawford ranch."

The 8 year-old boy from Malawi is called Jinjo, but the president has already given him a new nickname. "I call him Jin-Boy," Bush reported, "like the booze, Gin, get it?"

The award recognizes the Bush administration for its AIDS initiative which it claims to have helped treat 2 million people living with AIDS.

President Bush added, "I don't know what we did exactly, something about telling them to quit fucking so much. I mean really, they fuck like bunnies over there. And I said, hey, give it a rest, will ya?"

Bush Still President - No One Notices

2008-11-29T09:35:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington DC

Soon-to-be Ex-president and hopeless ignoramus, George W. Bush, practiced his good-bye wave today on the steps leading to Air Force One. After making several final attempts to look like a departing statesman, he could not stop giggling and finally gave up, exclaiming, "Oh, fuck it, it's not like anyone gives a shit."

The White House was unable to find any media outlet willing to host Bush's exit interview, so his younger sister Doro Bush Koch asked him several easy questions and filled in the rest with made-up bullshit.

An excerpt from the "interview" includes doozies like, "Reflecting on his eight-year presidency, President Bush said above all he would like to be remembered as a commander-in-chief who remained faithful to his values and did not sell his soul in order to accommodate the political process. He chose instead to sell the lives of thousands of American men and women in a corporate bid for oil dominance in the Middle East."

Claiming that he believed his legacy would include the liberation of Iraq, Medicare improvement and curing AIDS, even his Bush's sister stared at him in amazement, muttering, "You are out of your freaking mind."

Annual Turkey Pardon - Bush Pardons Himself

2008-11-26T11:58:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington DC

The annual dumbshow of the Presidential Turkey Pardon came at an ideal point in lame duck George W. Bush's calendar. The staged photo-op of the Thanksgiving turkey being spared the axe is a traditional moment each November, but this year the outgoing president, never one to miss a trick, used his authority to spare himself any post-January investigation or prosecution.

"Fuck the bird, " Bush cackled to the gathered reporters, "Heh-heh, I mean... let's eat the bird, I'm going free!"

The reporters laughed, thinking it another example of the president's off-color humor. But he insisted, "I'm serious motherfuckers, there's an Executive Order on my desk right now. So, Hasta La Vista, dickwads, nobody can touch me."

He then grabbed the startled turkey by the neck and swung it over his head, killing it instantly. "And that's how we do it in Crawford." The president then sauntered back to the West Wing entrance chuckling quietly to himself.

There Is A God, Part 2: Ann Coulter's Jaw Wired Shut

2008-11-25T08:02:00.000-08:00

Why the Long Face, Ann?

AP - New York

Media Whore and Nazi Henchman, Ann Coulter has reportedly broken her jaw and a team of surgeons have wired her mouth shut, thereby silencing, at least for now, the Banshee's sickening screech.

Details on how Mr. Coulter came to this blessed state are not available, but a cocktail waitress in a Manhattan nightclub claims, "I saw her there in the coatroom, giving head to that crazy 'ol Al Sharpton. Next thing I hear is her screaming and all Hell broke loose."

Doctors at New York's Lenox Hill Hospital claim to be searching to replace the damaged bone structure. Maxofacial surgeon Dr. John Halpern detailed the search, "It's difficult actually to find the right donor material. We have narrowed it down to two possibilities - a non-acid corrosive titanium alloy... or the jawbone of an ass."

Meanwhile, Mr. Coulter is resting in her hospital room surrounded by cards and flowers from well-wishers.

It's Hard Out There for a Pimp - Cheney' s Boner for Torture

2008-11-24T09:12:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington

Soon to be ex-Vice President Richard Cheney recounted the highlights of his time in the Bush administration to reporters gathered at an informal good-bye party held in the driveway of Number One Observatory Circle, the mansion he has called home for the past eight years.

"Oh, boy, that's easy," the seemingly relaxed Cheney reminisced, "my favorite part of the job was fucking guys up, you know, watching them piss themselves with fear. I get hard just thinking about it. Look." He then pointed to the growing bulge in his pants.

Asked whether he felt he would be remembered as a good vice-president, the normally taciturn Cheney laughed, "Who the fuck cares? I've got more money than God stashed away in banks around the planet. And intel on every world leader from Ahmadinejad to Obama- no one would dare to fuck with me. Yeah," he added with an eerie grin, "let 'em try."

"Free at last!" Lynne Cheney Gets Tattooed and Pierced

2008-11-22T11:40:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington

In happy anticipation of her impending freedom from the conservative mores of capitol society and the prying eyes of the media, Lynne Cheney, wife of the evildoing future ex-Vice-President Dick Cheney, has gotten fully tattooed and is sporting a number of vaginal piercings.

"My daughter is a stick compared to me." Mrs. Cheney reported to a close anonymous source, "I've had to be cool. But that's all over, baby."

Lynne Cheney courted controversy early in her husband's White House career when her first novel surfaced. It featured woman on woman sex. She has since refused to comment on its purported biographical content.

But certainly, she is coming into her own and looks forward to being a free spirit again.

She is reported to having told a friend, "I will shit on the kitchen table if I feel like, man."

Terrorist Attack WARNING! Michael Jackson Goes Muslim

2008-11-21T15:23:00.000-08:00

AP - Islamabad

The recent conversion to Islam by child molesting pop-star Michael Jackson has raised CIA fears of a terrorist attack as scores of radical Muslims took to the streets to protest the perceived insult.

"Death to Billie Jean! Death to America!" the angry men screamed at the US journalists who covered the riots, which broke out sporadically throughout the Muslim world.

"We can't take this kind of abuse," exclaimed Imam Abbu Bin Wahoo, "We don't care how many albums he sold, he's no Cat Stevens."

Now calling himself Mikaeel, the reclusive father of three has also taken to wearing a veil - a chador-style fabric worn only by women in Arab countries. "That's another thing that chaps my chapati," continued the Imam Wahoo, "He's wearing a damned veil! What is he, a harem dancing tranny now, too? Allah help us."

First Up - Don't Ask Don't Tell? - Nooooooo!

2008-11-19T09:49:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL

Now, wait a darned minute, folks. Are we so much more evolved then the heady, hay day moments of Bill Clinton's first baby steps in office? Doubt it.

Lest I need to remind you - it was "Gays in the Military" that got stuffed down Big Bill's throat as the first item on his "Must Do" list. It was a rallying cry amongst the Appalachian banjo players that the Clintons were just "not one of us".

And now, it's Obama's raison d'etre? Come now. Barry is not losing sleep on this one, folks. So, who IS bringing this canard home to an early roost? My guess - the Reds. They will start throwing shit until something sticks.

NOT that the gays don't deserve to serve - let 'em. But it's a military policy that can be undone by just not firing the queers if they get caught en flagrante.

Let the Joint Chiefs make the announcement, no one will question their moral highground.

And can we please have a Honymoon with our hot cocoa man in the Oval Office for just a few months - before he's crucified?

Prop 8 - Focus on the Family, Target the Queers

2008-11-18T11:09:00.000-08:00

POLICYWANKER SPECIAL REPORT

AP - Los Angeles

Clearly, the big out-of-state donors to California's anti-queer smear Prop 8 have an axe to grind. But who are they and what is their problem?

Checking the list, the top prize goes to fat fuck John Templeton, of Pennsylvania. He inherited a buttload of cash from his Hedge Fund old man and wields it for conservative causes. He donated a cool mil (seriously, $1,000,000) to defeat gay marriage in another state. Hopefully, it will help him in his own efforts to get laid - as he is one ugly sumbitch.

Next, in the category of "Love Jesus - Hate the Fags", comes the Evil Prince family. Old hag with bad hair, Elsa Prince of Michigan, gave an easy $450,000, while her creepy, but somehow hot son, Erik, funneled his dough through Focus on the Family, on whose board he sits.

Erik Prince deserves his own special mention here, being president and CEO of Blackwater, the secretive paramilitary organization that has thrived throughout the Bush years, taking HUGE sums of taxpayer dollars in no-bid contracts to subdue, terrorize and murder Brown people the world over.

With the amount of fervor Erik displays for "Christian values" while causing death and destruction everywhere his "play army" goes, he is likely a devout closet case and someone should check his online history for bareback soldier porn.

POLICYWANKER EDITORIAL - Magic Mormon Underwear and Other Fables of Prop 8

2008-11-17T10:24:00.000-08:00

Is it just Policywanker? Or do the Mormons come off as just a teenie, wee bit "out-of-their-fucking-minds"?

Their "Amazing Prophets of the Lord" insisted Mormons everywhere join the Prop 8 fight in California. They proclaimed it was each Mormon's sacred duty to donate - compiling a war chest of $20 mil - to nullify civil rights already instituted for same-sex nuptials. Whether you lived in Sacramento or Salt Lake City - the CA queers getting hitched threatened EVERYONE!

This, from a religion created by a delusional nineteenth-century charismatic able to rally around him - with promises of Milk, Honey and Lady Love - enough disaffected losers to call it a church.

Principles of the LDS "faith" were found in the woods on stone tablets that somehow later mysteriously disappeared. Inscribed in the text was the "go-ahead" for men to have multiple wives - a real crowd pleaser at the time. And then, you got the White Salamander, who might be the Angel Moroni, talking trash to Joe Smith and "voila!" - it's time for unearthly undies which will protect your private parts from intrusion by the "dark one".

What. The. Fuck.

And they are the ones dictating laws?

The Prop 8 Ad The Mormons Didn't Want You To See!

2008-11-16T16:33:00.000-08:00

Prop 8 - Shame on the Mormons

2008-11-16T10:50:00.000-08:00

AP - Los Angeles

Over 15,000 marchers here in the Sunshine State left their burning homes and joined hundreds of thousands of protesters from around the world to voice their disgust that one retarded Christian sect had the power to remove the Constitutional rights granted another minority - the Queers.

Hot Latino and L.A.'s Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa decried the miscarriage of the initiative process and shouted his support for the repeal of Prop 8.

The measure succeeded in large part due to the monetary influence of the Crazy Fuck Mormons from Utah, whose leader Brigham Young once proclaimed if ever a Mormon man married a Negro, he should be "killed on the spot".

Current church leaders, who call themselves "Apostles of Gawd" take a gentler, but still firm nuptial approach, selling their expensive Temple Weddings as the only sure fire way into Heaven, with really cool wedding gifts.

But the protest lives on - because equal rights for minorities in America will always be won, against the opposition of the majority.

If the majority of the voters could still have slaves, their condos would be clean and the dishes done. And Utah would be it's own Sick Fuck Nation.

Obama Effect - Black Men Getting Laid Increases Dramatically

2008-11-14T09:07:00.000-08:00

AP - New York

Recent findings by the Gallup Organization show a marked increase in the sexual desirability of Black men. Respondents to a study on the effects of Barack Obama's election expressed a strong desire to "fuck" him.

The largest polling group, White women between the ages of 25 and 40, in large numbers (87%) showed a desire to "date" or "just blow" him.

A majority of Men from all ethnicities responded positively to a willingness to "go gay" just to get with the President-elect.

This perceived "Obama Effect" is having a very real impact in the lives of average Black male Americans. Wilson Barnes, a catering company waiter in New York, expressed the changes in his dating life by saying, "Are you kidding me, man? I am on fire! And I thank the brother headed to the White House for that - we done overcome."

Stevens Update: Succubus Palin Moves in for the Kill

2008-11-12T18:46:00.000-08:00

AP - Anchorage

While decrepid Republican Senator and convicted felon Ted Stevens fights for his political life, he now faces a new challenge - the death grip of Governess Sarah Palin's raw ambition.

Faced with the Arctic winter and the loss of her national spokes-model title, Palin is seeking again the warmth of the Washington DC spotlight as a pinch-hitting replacement for the disgraced Stevens.

"Wouldn't that be cool?" Palin mused to gathered reporters, "I could like, go back to Washington a winner and me and Hillary could be best friends in the Senate."

It is seemingly inevitable that Stevens will be sidelined but laws in Alaska were changed to prohibit the governess from simply appointing herself as senator after her predecessor, former governor and huge crook, Frank Murkowski chose his own daughter as a replacement appointee to the US Senate.

Many scratch their heads reviewing the bylaws and sketchy means by which Alaskans choose their representatives.

The governess, however, was delighted with her new opportunity, "Back in the old days, we used to say - ya gotta know somebody, or blow somebody. But I'm kinda famous now, so this should be a cakewalk."

New Military Spy Plane Revealed

2008-11-11T09:26:00.000-08:00

AP - The Pentagon

Recently revealed plans to launch a rear attack deep into the bowels of Al Qaeda strongholds in Afghanistan and Pakistan include a Top Secret military attack aircraft with the code name "Flying Buttress".

An unnamed Pentagon source claimed the action will "penetrate deep and hard into areas that never see the light of day".

Military officials refuse to confirm or deny the maneuvers.

White House Wife Swap - The Shocking Pics!

2008-11-10T18:02:00.000-08:00

AP - Washington DC

In a shocking display of ungentlemanly conduct, President Bush was seen grabbing Michelle Obama's ass on the steps of the White House today.

Looking not too pleased at the president's behavior, President-elect Barack Obama gave First Lady Laura Bush a little "Cootie squeeze".

Later, Obama told the gathered reporters, "Tit for tat, boys. And my lady's got some fine tat."

Palin Returns Home - Dishes Stacked Up

2008-11-10T08:11:00.000-08:00

AP - Anchorage

Far from the glitter and glam of her national campaign, Governess Sarah Palin has returned home to find many chores have been unattended.

"Jeez, it's like nobody else lifts a finger around here." the former VP-hopeful lamented, "I've got three days of laundry to do, at least."

Asked whether or not she missed the excitement of the campaign, Palin was introspective, "Hey, didja see me on Saturday Night Live? That was so cool."

From the POLICYWANKER Mailbag: Prop 8's Mormon Massacre

2008-11-08T09:14:00.000-08:00

Nov. 6 2008

Anonymous said:

"Stupid, stupid, stupid. You not only show your ignorance of America and Mormon history by placing quotes out of context, but you also misrepresent where money came from that went into the Prop. 8 campaign. The money came from LDS members and any money that came from the church would have come from tax-paying businesses owned by the church.

I am sure, however, that you really don't care about the truth."

-----------------------------------

POLICYWANKER Responds:

Dear Anonymous,

I believe I know your father, but the Anonymous clan is large.

Regarding my "ignorance" - on the contrary, placing quotes out of context is an established journalistic practice championed by the Right (please see: Republican political campaigns and any FOX News broadcast for the past 10 years).

The Mountain Meadows Massacre was ordered by LDS leaders. That, you cannot obfuscate.

Regarding Prop 8, the following was reported by The Wall Street Journal (10/22/08): "Between 30% and 40% of the $25.5 million in donations raised as of last week by the "Yes" campaign has come from the Utah-based Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, supporters of the measure say."

They have since issued the following Correction: "Members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints contributed between 30% and 40% of the $25.5 million in donations raised as of last week by supporters of a measure to ban gay marriage in California. This article about the measure incorrectly said the donations were from the church."

Likewise, I issue the same correction - with the following caveat: Mormons are still cult-ish Sick Fucks who want to earn their place at the Evangelical Table of Christian Hate. But, it will take more than Prop 8, considering even the Evangelicals think the Mormons are cult-ish Sick Fucks.

Prop 8 - Mormons' Biggest Win Since Mountain Meadows Massacre

2008-11-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

AP - Salt Lake City

"If any miserable scoundrels come here, cut their throats." Thus spoke Brigham Young, the prophet of the crazy sect known as the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints in its early madcap days.

That adage can now be amended to include "...and go to California and fuck with the queers' equal rights."

But first: A Brief Mormon History Lesson

On September 11, 1857 (9/11, pay attention, people) Church leaders ordered the deaths of 120 non-Mormon pioneers who dared to traverse the holy Utah territory and were encamped in an area called Mountain Meadows. Dressed as Paiute Indians, the Mormon menfolk went on a rampage, killing every man, woman and child over the age of 8 years in the wagon train. The younger children were spared and distributed among Mormon families to be raised in the "true faith". The bodies of the murdered were left to rot in the open air for two years, when an official U.S. investigation uncovered the crime. Only one man was tried for the murders. He was shot by a firing squad at the site of the massacre.

Fast forward to 2008:

Using over $10 million of tax exempt "Church Donations" to infiltrate the California initiative process, and thus end-running the California Supreme Court ruling which gave legal status to Same-Sex couples, and thus the right to marry, the Mo's vs. the Mo's Proposition 8 ended with a win for uptight religious zealots nationwide.

They somehow protected marriage and saved Christmas.

Stay tuned for further court battles, as the Gays have launched a slew of court briefs (no Gay Briefs puns allowed here) and are promising to fight for the return of their equal rights.

Attorney General Jerry Brown (yes, that guy) has issued a statement proclaiming his intention to support the election results, but at the same time affirming the Same-Sex marriage licenses already issued.

No one has yet explained how that will be non-discriminatory to affianced Lesbians and Gays who missed the cut-off deadline.

Adorable Actor from Noah's Arc Swoons with Obama Win

2008-11-05T16:56:00.000-08:00

Doug Spearman, Chance from Logo's TV series Noah's Arc, was overcome with delight/shock/love for humanity when Obama was announced as our next president.

He wasn't the only person to totally lose his shit last night.

It proves once again, Dreams Come True and Prayers Are Answered.

Welcome to a New World and a New America, my friends.

Oh My Fucking God!

2008-11-05T00:17:00.000-08:00

AP - The World
It happened.

It really, really happened.

Barbara Bush Loses Her Beautiful Mind

2008-11-03T08:42:00.000-08:00

AP - Kennebunkport

Reports are coming from unnamed staff members of former president George H.W. Bush claiming that Barbara has become a "blithering idiot".

"Lordy, you should see her," one anonymous source said yesterday, "She go on and on about her damn son, the president." The source, who works in the kitchen at the Bush estate, told reporters that the former first lady has regrets about her son's handling of his role as president.

"He fuck everyting(sic) bad, she say," the source went on, "She say her stupid boy no damn good. She say it over and over like a record, or someting(sic). She gone crazy. She stare at the wall. She no get dressed up. So sad."

Other staff members have reported off the record that Barbara Bush makes prank calls to President George W. Bush's private phone, taunting him. "It's funny as hell, if it wasn't so pathetic." reported another source, "She says shit like - 'Hey, fuckwad... proud of yourself? No one likes you! No one!' Then she'll hang up and call back in like five minutes and do it again.

White House staff refuse to comment on the claims.

Time to Thank Gov. Chris Gregoire

2008-11-02T21:39:00.000-08:00

Eagleburger Takes the Gloves Off - OK, One of Them, to Crucify Palin

2008-11-01T09:36:00.000-07:00

AP - Washington DC

A former Secretary of State and one of John McCain's most prominent supporters offered a stunningly frank and remarkably bleak assessment of Sarah Palin's capacity to handle the presidency should the need arise.

Lawrence Eagleburger, who served in the George H.W. Bush administration, said yesterday that Gov. Palin was an "Enigma Burrito". He went on to explain, "That's a disaster wrapped in a mindfuck and topped with shit-for-brains sauce.".

Elderly Men Refused Front Row Seats at Palin Rally

2008-10-31T10:41:00.000-07:00

AP - Cleveland

Taking precautionary measures, McCain/Palin campaign staffers are refusing to seat older men too close to the stage fearing a repeat of Thursday's tragic deaths of three men from coronary attacks.

The deaths occurred as Sarah Palin whipped up the Republican rally crowd in Detroit with chants of "Drill, Baby, Drill", a reference to controversial offshore drilling leases.

"That's not the drilling my husband was thinking," said Cheryl Stubbs, wife of one of the men. "I think he loved her, Palin, I mean." She went on to explain her husband's sudden political interest. "All his life he never even voted. And all of a sudden, he's making signs and going door to door. It was weird for me. It was like he had a mistress or something."

Her sentiments were shared by the other two Republican widows. Amy Poletski, one of the women, added, "I'm not mad or anything. Max died with a boner. How cool is that?"

Poll Dancing - Obama Rides McCain Like a Bitch to the Finish

2008-10-31T10:39:00.000-07:00

Grampa McCain Has Senior Moment - Forgets Palin's Name

2008-10-30T09:09:00.000-07:00

AP - Pittsburgh

In an awkward campaign moment, Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, forgot his running mate's name, stumbling through several attempts before an aide whispered in his ear the correct one.

McCain was speaking to a crowd of party faithful gathered at Provost Park, where an estimated 4000 people were crowded around a small platform in the park's soccer field.

"She's my favorite little running mate and your favorite future vice-president..." he said by way of introducing Sarah Palin, but then added, "Come on up here, Cindy."

The senator's wife, standing nearby, appeared uncertain if he meant for her to join him. And Gov. Palin merely smiled and waved to the crowd.

But McCain grew impatient, "Susie, come here!" he urged. Now, both Cindy McCain and Sarah Palin looked at each other not knowing who was being called to the platform.

But the senator continued, "Sally, come here dammit, don't keep the American people waiting." He then chuckled, trying to show he was being a good sport about the confusion, saying to the crowd, "Women... can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em."

Finally, a campaign aide rushed to the senator's side and whispered something in his ear. McCain visibly grimaced, then shrugged it off. He turned to Palin and covered the mic, but could be heard saying, "I'm talking to you, Palin, now get your apple ass up here and show your legs."

The governor then took to the stage and the crowd went wild.

Palin's Christmas Cards Back From Printer

2008-10-29T10:33:00.000-07:00

AP - Anchorage

In apparent attempt to remind her friends and constituents where she plans to spend the holidays, Alaskan Governess Palin's Christmas cards feature a smiling Sarah posed in front of her future home, emblazoned with her new title, "President".

Artie Pappas, day manager of the Anchorage Office Max store said Palin had placed the order in August. "She's a confident one," he explained, "I asked her if she meant it to read 'vice-president' and she said no, McCain's like a hundred and something, and she was goin' for gold."

With the recent turn in the polls, Pappas is concerned that Palin will stiff him. "I've got ten thousand of these suckers waiting for her to pick up. She better not screw me on this."

No comment was available from the McCain/Palin campaign.

Thrift Store Owner Recalls Palin's Clothing

2008-10-28T17:23:00.000-07:00

AP - Anchorage

The owner of Anchorage's now famous resale shop has publicly asked Sarah Palin to stop wearing the clothes purchased at her store.

"It's embarrassing," explained Ellen Arvold, the proprietress of Out of the Closet, "and it's hurting my business. The things she's wearing, the dominatrix boots and severe little jackets, they're for cross-dressers."

The consignment shop caters to Alaska's older heterosexual male population who enjoy dressing as women. "Most of our business is online, but I keep the storefront open for locals. I thought Governor Palin wanted the clothes for her husband, Todd. I don't ask questions. Live and let live is my motto."

Arvold became concerned when she saw items purchased at her shop on national television. "I thought to myself, wait a darned minute. What the hell is she wearing? And now my business is down by half. She's killing me. None of my clients want to dress like her. They're freaks, but they're not stupid."

Halloween Horror - Palin Masks Not Selling

2008-10-27T11:09:00.000-07:00

AP - Chicago

Retailers across the nation are bemoaning the purchase of Sarah Palin masks for Halloween.

Costumers and variety store owners claim the masks are not moving and they fear they will be stuck with huge orders of the novelty item long after the November election.

"Who knew she would end up this unpopular? I've got Pol Pot masks selling faster than Palin's." complained Sid Fein of Boo To You, a costume shop located in a strip mall in a suburb of Chicago. He believed the masks were a good investment when he placed the order right after the Republican convention.

"I'm not a damned mind reader, people." Fein went on to say, "I told my wife - don't you blame me - that crazy broad Palin is who you should blame. Everybody's sick of her face by now. I'm ruined. So, fuck her."

Palin Goes Rogue - Kills Advisers

2008-10-26T11:16:00.001-07:00

AP - Des Moines

According to unnamed McCain campaign sources, Vice-Presidential candidate Sarah Palin has "gone Rogue", and is the prime suspect in the killing of two staff advisers who she felt gave her bad advice.

"They were pussies," she explained to the gathered press at the Des Moines Sheraton Hotel, where a high level campaign strategy meeting was held. "I don't want any limp-wristed DC wonks telling me to tone it down. I know what plays in the real America." Governor Palin went on to say, "Did I kill them? I'm not saying nothin'. Just this, they deserved to die."

Police investigators are trying to piece together the events leading up to the deaths of Ed Miller, a former Reagan appointee to the DOJ, and Sue Ballingford, a former Bush speechwriter. Both were found on the

hotel loading dock with a bloody towel wrapped around their heads and bullet hole in the temple, victims of an execution-style killing.

Cindy McCain Claims "Barack Obama Beat Me Up"

2008-10-25T10:10:00.000-07:00

AP - Pittsburgh

In a shocking turn of events on the campaign trail, the wife of Republican presidential candidate, John McCain, is claiming that during a recent rally in Pennsylvania, where the polls show a very tight race, she was accosted backstage by Democratic contender Barack Obama.

In a press conference given from her clinic bed, Mrs. McCain told reporters about her ordeal. "Oh my God, he came out of nowhere and grabbed me by the neck." a visibly shaken Cindy McCain explained what happened next, "He put his hand on my right breast like this, and Frenched me."

According to Mrs. McCain, Obama was enraged by her non-compliance. "He said, 'I'm gonna fuck you like you never been fucked'. And he did. Afterwards, he beat the crap at of me - look!"

She then stripped to her underwear to show the bruises left from the attack.

When asked by reporters if she was certain her assailant was Sen. Obama, Mrs. McCain became agitated. "Of course it was him - tall, good looking, kinda hot in a smart way with a big dick. Yes, it was him!"

Obama campaign spokesman, Carl Weinstein, when asked for comment issued the following statement - "Yeah, in her dreams."

Sarah Palin Makes Post-Election Plans

2008-10-24T11:32:00.003-07:00

AP - Washington

Faced with increasing evidence that the Republicans will lose their attempt to hold the White House, Vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin is starting to plan ahead.

Asked by reporters, on her campaign flight between Dubuque and Des Moines, whether she felt her political staying power was diminished by allegations of wardrobe extravagance, the governor laughed, saying only, "I am your future, America. Get used to it. I've got networks bugging me for reality shows and a made-for-TV biopic is in the works."

On her political plans after the election, Palin was upbeat. "I cannot wait to be free from that old asshole. If you only knew the BS I have to put up with on a daily basis - as much smoke as I've had to blow up McCain's ass, it's a wonder he doesn't have colon cancer."

On the possibility of a 2012 run for the presidency, the governor was candid, "Are you kidding me? It will be the end of the Mayan calendar. We're talking the destruction of the world as we know it - you betcha I'll be there - sitting in the White House - and making my date with Jesus."

Poll Dancing

2008-10-23T12:28:00.000-07:00

Obama has staying power.

FLASHBACK - 1984! Pied Piper of Wasilla Gathers Rats and Steals Our Hearts

2008-10-23T10:28:00.000-07:00

1984 - An auspicious Orwellian year.

During her pageant days, Sarah Heath Palin dazzled the crowds with her ability to make magic happen.

Seen here performing the electrifying opus Aqualung - Jethro Tull's mind bending psychedelic journey into musical madness, Palin was and is, a true showstopper.

Through corrective surgery and eye exercises, she was eventually able to eliminate the cross-eyed stare that doomed her chance to win the coveted pageant crown.

Palin's Male Supporters Getting Harder

2008-10-22T13:27:00.000-07:00

AP - Detroit

The front row seats at McCain/Palin rallies are hard to come by, literally.

Young male Republicans are often seen standing in line for hours, sometimes overnight, just to get those sought-after seats next to the stage.

The big draw is not, however, John McCain. These studly stalwarts are there to see the Governess, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin. "I mean come on, she's hot." Jason Vader admitted after a recent Republican rally. The 22 year-old law student sat front and center at the event cheering his favorite politician. "Dude, I totally get boned up watching her, seriously."

But some of the guys do get carried away. Four young men were expelled from yesterday's event after cameras caught them masturbating as Gov. Palin spoke. Seeing the rucous, however, Palin merely broke into a wide grin and admonished the security men. "Hey, those boys are just doin' what boys do, God love 'em."

POLICYWANKER INTERNATIONAL NEWS - Indian Space Program Introduces First Lunar Astronaut

2008-10-22T12:41:00.000-07:00

AP - New Delhi

India's newly created Space Program announced it's next project, to launch a manned spacecraft to the moon. Program Minister J. Singh expressed his nation's pride following the successful launch of India's first unmanned craft sent into orbit yesterday.

"We are very, very happy today. I am telling you, very happy." Mr. Singh ended his comments by laying out India's further plans for space exploration, "Wait until those Pakis get a look at our next one going up to the moon. They will be very, very jealous. I am telling you."

Then he introduced to the gathered reporters India's first astronaut in training, Captain M. Govinda, who will pilot a small space shuttle to the moon. Mr. Singh added, "Captain Govinda is so, so tiny. He is perfect for the mission. He fits right into the tiny cockpit. Wait until those Pakis see it."